3 going on 16!

Celia was super excited when we got home yesterday. Dason and Hunter were in our playhouse and she was sure they were waiting for her. She just loves when the neighborhood boys are over to play. She told me, " I think Hunter will call me princess. I like princess now!" Yeah, my three year old has a crush on the neighbor boy. She tells everyone she's going to marry Hunter. She even announced it to the whole Primary one time. AHH!! Yep, that's my hair going gray and me screaming. Last night before bed she was quite exaggeratedly sad. I asked her what was wrong. Here's our little conversation.
"Mom, I told Hunter I was going to marry him and he said he has a girlfriend!Mommy, why does he has a girlfriend?"
Honestly, I didn't know how to explain this to her. I think I mumbled something about being too young, which didn't even register. She went on.
"He said he kisses her! Mommy, I want to marry Hunter. I don't want him to have another girlfriend. I want him to kiss me!"
Again, I think I tried to say she was too young and that there was a lot of time to worry about this. But, she kept going. Poor baby! Her little heart was broken. She just didn't know why Hunter didn't want her for a girlfriend and nothing I said was making sense or making her feel any better. So I did what every good parent does when faced with an impossible conversation... I changed to subject. Not my best parenting moment. But, she's three!! I didn't expect to have these conversations for at least ten more years. If she's this boy crazy now, just imagine what she'll be like at sixteen. I don't think I'm going to make it! Do they have Mormon convents? Or all girl boarding schools for preschoolers??

The Talk

Sunday was the bid day... Celia's first talk in Primary! We rehearsed about twenty times on Saturday and she was super excited. Of course as soon as we got to church she wanted to give her talk. I kept having to explain that we needed to wait just a little longer. I so wish I could have videotaped her little talk. (I'm just not sure that would have been so appropriate!?) The second middle exercises started she was on the stand, scriptures in hand and being "so reverent". Unfortunately, she was sitting cross legged and I had to whisper to her to keep her legs down. The whole primary could see her underwear! Oops! And she kept 'whispering' and gesturing to me, "Mom, it's time! Come up! Mom, hurry. It's time!" And she kept waving and winking to her friends and family in the audience. I was dying. It was like everyone was there just to see her! (Maybe, they were??) She did such a good job. She was confident and said all the words clearly and the kids all listened. I'm so proud! That's my girl!
p.s. I chickened out on having her talk on the Atonement. I know, I know. I should have let her. She talked on families. It was really cute, I think.

Therapy

So yesterday was my first therapy session with Celia and Dr Gully. I've been practicing the Parent Child Interaction course. Which, I know I'm just the mom and obviously stupid, but it sure seems a lot like what I already am doing. Granted, I'm not perfect. But, I do think I'm a pretty good mom. I mean, I listen to my daughter. I give her a lot of praise and we have a very close, loving relationship. So, here I am in this therapy. Celia and I get to play in a little room behind a one way mirror and I have to wear an ear piece. Talk about awkward!! Dr Gully coached me on what to say as Celia and I were playing. The actual play wasn't hard. It was the scrutiny. It made me so nervous! And I felt fake. I didn't feel like Mommy playing with Celia. On the flip side. I'm glad her dad has to go through the same thing. Unlike Celia and I, he doesn't have a good relationship with her. He hasn't bonded with her like a normal loving parent should. I think he could benefit from a little coaching and encouragement to listen to his daughter. Call me a hypocrite.
On another note. These therapy session are really hard for me. I know I've blogged about it before. It's such a struggle for me to have to take off work early twice a week to drive all the way to Salt Lake. It eats up my whole evening and sitting in traffic with a bored three year old is not fun! And the snarky comments that people make here at work when I need to leave really hurt. I can't schedule these appointments after work hours. Dr Gully doesn't see patients after 5 and I need to allow time for me to pick up Celia and drive to Salt Lake. What they don't understand is that I don't have a choice to not to this. Believe me, if I could I would happily cancel. I am court ordered to so these therapy session. I don't comply, they take my daughter from me. I just wish people could have a little sympathy. It's not like I'm taking off early to play. It's not fun and I do my best to have everything caught up by the time I leave. I could just scream!

Little girl, big topic

The little mini is so excited... She gets to give her first ever talk in Primary next Sunday! Mind you, she's wanted to give a talk for going on two years now. A microphone and an entire room full of children and adults waiting on her ever word is Celia's absolute dream come true. In preparation for the big event, I asked her what she thought she wanted to talk about. She thought about it for a few moments, and then replied, "the Atonement!". Wow. Big topic! That's my Celia for you.

My Monday Morning Struggle

It's all I can do not to just sit and cry at my desk today. I don't want to be here at work. Plain and simple. It's Monday and I just had a wonderful weekend with my Celia. I want to be home with her. I've missed nearly four years of her life already and each day I drop her off and make the drive to work, my heart just dies. The moms here told me I'd get used to being a working mom. They said dropping my little one off at daycare would get easier and easier. Honestly, today was no easier than the first horrible day I had to drop Celia off to daycare. And I'm so blessed to have my sister care for Celia. It's not like she's in a strange place. She's surrounded by love every day. I just miss her. I miss spending the day being us. I miss reading to her and tucking her in for her nap. I miss preparing meals together and talking about all the things that go through her little mind. I don't want to worry about who's wearing what here at work and listening to the trivial crap that everyone seems to talk about. I don't care about what was on TV last night or how much everyone drank this past weekend. I don't want to hear about everyone's ill fated love lives or every ache and pain they suffer. Call me insensitive. Maybe I am. I just can't take it anymore. So much of that stuff doesn't matter. My job is so slow and so pathetic right now. I could work two hours a day and be done with all my tasks. But, I need the money. So I scrounge up work to do everyday. It's absolutely intolerable!! I keep asking myself why I was the lucky one to keep my job in the recent layoffs. Am I really so lucky??
I want to be home with my sweet Celia. I want to spend every minute I can with her. I more children. I want a garden. I want to work on my food storage and plant a garden. I want to raise chickens and bees and learn self reliance. I want to have more time to serve my family and neighbors. I want to do so many things that don't include sitting at my computer for 9 hours a day pretending I have work to do and pretending I care.

Babies, babies, babies

I just played with the most adorable little baby boy. Chunky cheeks, pudgy hands and an infectious smile...... Yep, I'm officially baby hungry. I so miss having a babe in arms. The smell, their tiny little cries, and cradling such an innocent little thing.... And my baby is almost four! (Sigh!) Next month is the big day. I never really wanted to space my kids out this much. As it is any sibling will be at least 5 years younger. (Big sigh!!) And I swear, everywhere I look there are babies and pregnant woman. I know at least three ladies that are expecting. I do my best not to embarrass myself by staring. I'm sure on more than one occasion they've caught me and thought, 'what a weirdo!". Oh well. At least my Daniel is just as baby hungry as I am.

Funny huh?!

I just love this picture of baby Celia. Just look at those roles! What a chunk!

I'm a bad mom!

My daughter is 3, almost four and I had neglected to take her to a play or musical. I know. Absolutely appalling! Well, that was rectified last weekend. Dan, Celia and I drove to Cedar City to see Kaytlen's production of 'The Wizard of Oz'. Kaytlen designed all the makeup. (Awesome!! I was so proud!!) And we decided to make a day of it. We left early Saturday for a fun drive to Cedar. Cel was an angel in the car. Of course we did stop just about every hour for potty breaks and to let her get her wiggles out. She entertained herself for about 2 hours by coloring on her legs and feet with her new gel pens. Back to that bad mom thing. I really don't mind when she colors on herself. It kept her entertained and nothing went on her clothes. I even rationalize it by saying that it totally takes the whole taboo out of body art. So, she'll never want a tattoo! That might be taking it too far. But, it does make me fell better.

(Look at the pretty blue feet! She even colored in between her toes! Clever!)

Back to our little trip. Cedar City is so nostalgic for Dan and I. Being that that's where we first met. And we haven't been in Cedar City together since he graduated. So, it was super fun to see all the place we used to go and how much everything has changes. We even took a picture of my old dorm. Which is slated for demolition sometimes soon. (sigh!) But, that place was a little scary!

(My old dorm...top floor, middle room.)

Celia was so excited to see Kaytlen's show. She was a little nervous when the lights dimmed and had her hands over her ears during the loud parts, but she absolutely loved it! Most of the first half she sat on Grandma's lap. She laughed an talked out loud to the characters and waved furiously to her favorites. She was quite bummed that they didn't wave back. At intermission Kaytlen took her backstage to meet the cast. Celia was star struck! And bless them, the cast members were so sweet to her. In fact several of them promised to wave to her at curtain call. They didn't forget! My little Celia was elated! After the show, Celia just begged to see 'one more Dorothy'. She promised to be so, so, so, so good if I let her stay for the evening performance. But, we had to get on the road. I promised her that we would see another 'real show' very soon because she was so good. I will totally keep that promise!

(Celia and Grandma waiting for the show to start.)

(Celia, Kaytlen and some of the cast... Dorothy and Scarecrow)

As Dan and I were leaving Cedar, he asked if I would ever live there again if I could. Oh totally! I love it there. He does to. If only we could find a decent job for him there, we would move there in a heartbeat. Hum.... maybe, just maybe.
It was a fun little trip. Dan survived the show and 9+ hours in the car with his two favorite girls. And we got some much needed talking time. Our weekends together have been so busy lately that we've missed just talking. Have I mentioned that I love that man??

(Dan and Celia on stage at the Adams)

(Mommy and Celia at the Adams...darn cell phone grainy pictures. I left my camera in the car.)

Fibbing

So, the other day I noticed Celia pouting on my bed. She had her little arms folded and the most exaggerated frown I have ever seen. It was all I could do not to just laugh. But, I could tell she wanted to tell me something. So I asked if she was ok. Here's our little conversation...
"I'm very, very sad."
"Cel, why are you so sad?"
"I told a fib when you got home. I have bad feelings and I'm very sad. I need to repent!"
Oh sweet girl! I have no idea what she fibbed about, but it was really bugging her. So I suggested we say a little prayer and ask Heavenly Father for forgiveness and to make the bad feelings go away. What followed was the sweetest, most innocent little prayer. When she finished she happily announced, "Mom! All my bad feelings went away!" What a touching little teaching moment!
It's so reassuring to know that all the times we talk about the gospel and the scripture reading we do together really does make a difference. I fear that it goes over her head. Heck, most of the time it goes way over mine!

I love Dr Laura!

a href="http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/30072435/">

Great article!! My dream? To be a stay at home mom! Moms that stay home... cherish those moments with your little ones!<

Yummy!

I saw these adorable little Easter goodies on Mormon Mommy Blogs the other day. So, little miss and I made them. She is such a great little helper. She made sure to taste everything about ten times. Just in case it tasted funny. Good thing. I just don't know what I would

do without her help.

And I think they turned out pretty cute! (They're nests in case you couldn't tell.) The recipe called for green, but green was just so not Celia's favorite. So pink birds nests it was. I love the one on the bottom stuffed with the chocolate eggs. That one is hers. The rest she helped me wrap up special for little Easter gifts. So cute!

Whisper

I have missed my Whisper so much!!! I finally go to go see her. Here are my two favorite little girls, snuggling and laughing together!

A small bright spot

I've been super frustrated over the last month or so. Celia's therapist hasn't listened to my concerns about her and the therapy has continued despite my misgivings. The other day, Celia's DCFS caseworker came over and Celia hide behind me and refused to talk to him. That is so unlike her and fortunately he recognized that. So, he emailed Dr Gully and Celia's guardian ad litem. The response back wasn't super great, so I placed yet another call to Dr Gully. This time I felt like he actually listened to me. He's scheduled a time next week for me to begin the first part of the therapy course and to discuss my concerns. Finally!! Then yesterday when Celia and I were at her appointment, Celia had a huge meltdown. She refused to go to Dr Gully's office and got extremely upset. She was so upset that it took nearly a half hour for her to consent to the visit. As much as it broke my heart to see her so upset, I was glad in a way that Dr Gully got to witness firsthand what my family and I have been experiencing for weeks. Celia is just not Celia right now. She's reverting to a lot of the behaviors we worked so hard to help her get out of. I know Celia feels a lot of apprehension over seeing her dad. Her little mind must be so confused. She knows in her heart that he hurt her and that he's made her scared. And then here he is a year later playing nice and sweet for the authorities. Celia is a smart little girl. I'm sure she sees through his play nice act to the real man underneath. I just hurt for her. I pray daily for her safety. I wish I could make it so that she never sees that evil man again. I can't though. As a mom I feel helpless. I will continue to nurture her and love her the best I can. At least she will always have a safe and happy home to come home to. Her father may not be able to provide that. But, I can and I always will. Sacrificing the things I do for her hardly seems like a sacrifice. I guess that's what being a parent is. Unconditional love. It's just too bad her dad will never know that.

Kid Quiz

I asked Celia these questions the other day for a post on Facebook. They still just make me giggle...

1. What is something mom always says to you? "Do my chores."
2. What makes mom happy? "When I wave goodbye." She likes to stand on the front porch to wave and blow kisses to me when I leave. I love it!
3. What makes mom sad? "When I'm sick."
4. How does your mom make you laugh? "Tickle me."
5. What did your mom like to do when she was a child? "Fly on a broom!" Oh really?!
6. How old is your mom? "4"
7. How tall is your mom? "This tall!" And then she stretched her arms as wide as she could.
8. What is her favorite thing to watch on TV? "News."
9. What does your mom do when you're not around? "I don't know!"
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? "A cooker. The other day I thought about that."
11. What is your mom really good at? "Pouring pancakes and flipping pancakes."
12. What is your mom not very good at? "Singing. Sometimes you forget the words."
13. What does your mom do for her job? "Make her bed. Type."
14. What is your mom's favorite food? "Pancakes."
15. What makes you proud of your mom? "Eating new things. I like when you try pickles." Hum, I think I just said this to her the other day.
16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? "Gloria." As in the big fat hippo from Madagascar! Thanks Celia!
17. What do you and your mom do together? "Play a race and read books together."
18. How are you and your mom the same? "We have brown eyebrows."
19. How are you and your mom different? "Our hair is not the same. Our eyes are not the same." Actually, she has my eyes. Only she's convinced that mine are now green.
20. How do you know your mom loves you? "Hugs!"
21. What does your mom like most about your dad? I edited this to Daniel. "Kissing!"
22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? "To Burger Bar.

Farm Store

Yesterday, my mom kept little miss Celia for the day. Since it was such a nice day, they spent most of the day outside working in the yard. For my little one, that was pretty much heaven. When I got home, she invited me to go to the 'farm store' with Grandma and Dason. She chatted and chatted the whole way there.
"There's chicks and bunnies and HAY! I love the farm store. I went there before. There's HAY! Mom, the farm store has HAY. Can I see the HAY?" Over and over. All about the hay. You'd think she would be thrilled about the baby animals. She liked them and we did pet the chicks and bunnies. But, she was most excited about the hay. And they have three different kinds. She was amazed and just had to climb inside to see it all. Who's child is she anyway???

I bought a wedding dress!!

And you'll never believe what I paid for it.... with tax and shipping, $38! Yep! You read right. I had seen these Monique Lhuillier dresses and fell in love with the designs.
But, since I so obviously don't have thousands of dollars to spend and wanted it temple ready, I knew I'd have to get creative.
So, here's the dress I bought. (minus the awful pink sash)


And with a little creative help from my mom, I'll have a gorgeous dress for under $100. Yay me!
Dan and I have set a budget of $500 total for the wedding. He doesn't quite believe me that we can do it. It's like a challenge now. I'm going to be making the invites and food. Our reception is going to more of a casual celebration with great food, close family and friends and hopefully in the backyard of of the house we want to buy. (Keep your fingers crossed!)
Oh, and we did finally set a date... September 29. Dan and I figured that the waiting, waiting, waiting was for the birds. So, we're going to make good things happen. And it looks like Dan will be here in Utah for good the first part of June. I'm all giddy just writing this. It's finally starting to feel almost real...