My Heavy Heart

Eleven days and counting. Eleven days until I marry my soul mate. Eleven days until I marry my very best friend.

I have nothing but the highest expectations for the perfect day! My family and closest friends will be there to witness our sealing. Everyone I love.

Everyone, with one little exception.

My sweet Celia.

Celia's father and I were never sealed in the temple. As a consequence, my daughter is sealed to neither of us. I have tried to obtain his permission to allow Celia to be sealed to Dan and I. He, out of spite, has refused. I really would like to trash him and his selfish choice right now. But, I am choosing not to. Instead, I am choosing instead to forgive him and his selfish decision.

In my struggles to understand, I've had the thought. "This is it. This is my issue." What I mean is that this could be my reason for doubting the gospel and leaving my faith. People have left the church over lesser issues than this.

After all, why should I have to seek Celia's father's permission to be sealed to my daughter? Why should he have to right to have her sealed without my permission? These are the thoughts that have been placed in my head while I lay awake at night and these are the thoughts that plague me throughout my day.

Because my heart is heavy, I have prayed for peace and strength. I may not understand the reasons why. It may be that on this earth I will never have the opportunity to be sealed to my daughter.

In my moments of despair I have received a solemn peace. It may not happen here.

But it will happen!

Elder Holland has a beautiful quote. I'd like to share it. "Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."

As long as I raise Celia in righteousness and honor my sacred covenants, she will be mine in the eternities. I believe that our Heavenly Father is just. I believe that he will never allow us to be separated if we live righteous lives.

I believe this to my soul.

And this belief gives me hope.

Just a Thought...

Influences That Erode Faith

“First is doubt. . . . It comes from a lack of confidence in one’s self or abilities. It is inconsistent with our divine identity as children of God. Doubt leads to discouragement. Discouragement comes from missed expectations. . . . Discouragement leads to distraction, a lack of focus. . . . Distraction leads to a lack of diligence, a reduced commitment to remain true and faithful and to carry on through despite hardship and disappointment. . . . This path ultimately leads to disobedience, which undermines the very basis of faith. So often the result is disbelief, the conscious or unconscious refusal to believe.”

Kevin W. Pearson

Matthew 14:30-31

But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

Shinny Rocks

Celia is a 'collector'. If you look in her room you'll see little bundles of paper, piles of pinecones and all sorts of rocks in little boxes, shoes, tea cups, practically anywhere you she can hide them. Her 'collections' are everywhere. Every so often I sneak in her room and secretly dispose of some of the more smelly and abundant pieces. I usually throw away about a dozen smelly, filthy pinecones. Up until last week, pinecones were her obsession. She's now moved on to rocks. Which I'm pretty ok with. At least they don't smell or carry a small infestation of bugs. Last night Celia was out in the sandbox with her cousin Mikayla. It was starting to rain so I called the girls in. I wondered what was taking Celia so awfully long. Sure enough she was lugging in about 5 rocks. A couple of them rather large. When I asked for an explanation she said, "I didn't want these ones to get wet." How thoughtful!
This morning after breakfast Celia was playing with her previous night's collection of rocks. I heard her exclaim, "Oh no, Mom!"
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I said a prayer and the rocks aren't shiny!"
"Huh?"
"You know. Shiny." I was pretty baffled at this point. Then she went on, "Mom, why doesn't Heavenly Father touch them with his finger like that one time? I said a prayer!"
What followed was my pretty lame attempt to explain that Heavenly Father does give us the things we ask for, but only when he sees that we need them. I carefully explained that we already have lights and that we don't need shinny rocks to see things in the dark. I had her remember the story of the Jaredites in the boats and reminded her that they didn't have the lights we do.
"Oh! I get it!" she said. "But, I'm still going to ask him to make them shiny!"
I had to just tell her ok at that point. Her faith is so absolute! And who knows, maybe Heavenly Father will make the rocks shiny?

Bad Dreams

Celia's a bit of a restless sleeper. Her dreams trouble her especially when she's upset about things. Two nights ago she had a hard time falling asleep. She said she had bad dreams in her mind and they wouldn't go away. I tried all our usual method for ridding bad dreams. I sucked the bad dreams out and put good ones back in. But, according to Celia it didn't work and she couldn't sleep. Since I was pretty tired myself I asked her what she thought would help. "I'm going to say a prayer! Heavenly Father will make the bad dreams go away!" She then popped up and said the most sincere prayer I have ever heard. She pleaded gently with Heavenly Father to give her good dreams and to let the Holy Ghost give her good feelings. I was so touched! When she finished she laid her head on her pillow and immediately went to sleep. I know her little prayer worked because she was laughing in her sleep. I haven't heard her do that in a long time. And she happily reported the next morning that "It worked! Heavenly Father gave me good dreams!".
I love how pure he faith is. I love that she already can feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost and that she isn't timid to ask Heavenly Father for help. I hope her faith continues to grow. She is such an example to me!