Pouty, Pouty Me.

I love Christmas. Love it. Love it.

This year. Not so much.

Celia's dad was awarded standard visitation a few months ago.

Ok.

I'd come to terms with the fact I'd have to share the holidays with him from now until the millennium. It's an odd year so he'll get the first half of the holiday, and I will get from one o'clock on Christmas day on. I was pretty much ok with it and ready to start the holiday prep when he wanted 'to talk' a little over a week ago.

It seems his dad is 'deathly' ill and the whole family is trekking to Arkansas for Christmas. Yeah Arkansas. Because when his dad retired he moved to Arkansas. His whole family is here in Utah. Makes perfect sense. Right?

He cried and begged and me being the nice person I am, agreed, against my better judgement, to let her go, with one condition. He have her home December 26 so I could still celebrate a little with her. He agreed and I set about adjusting my plans.

Yeah.

I am officially the nicest person alive for that one.

Then again, being nice to him always has a way of biting me in the back and I remember just why it is we're no longer married. After promising up and down to have her home the afternoon of the 26th, he calls to inform me that there are 'absolutely' no flights available and the 'absolute' soonest he could have her home would be midday the 27th.

Again, I reluctantly agree and believe his story.

Yesterday, he informs me that there was a 'mistake' and the soonest he could get her home would be 10pm on the 27th. Meaning, my time with Celia for Christmas is a big fat zero.

Not ok.

Missing Celia for half of Christmas is a big deal. I can cope though.

Missing her for all of Christmas is unfathomable.

Add to that my laundry list of concerns...

1- He's never spent more than a weekend with Celia. And by weekend I mean, Friday night to Sunday night. That's it.

2- He has yet to master nap time, bed time, meal time, bath time, etc, etc, etc. The basics.

3- He has never traveled or flown with Celia, let alone during the hysteria that is Christmas travel. He has no clue what he's in for. For example, he told me he'd pick up Celia from me at noon to catch a two o'clock flight. Keep in mind, we live an hour away from the airport and he's checking bags for three plus a carseat. Brilliant.

4- His family has absolutely no relationship with Celia. His 'sick' father for example has seen Celia a total of about three times in her whole life. In the five years I've known him, he has never once sent Celia a birthday card, Christmas card or called her for any reason period. Nice Grandpa right?

5- Don't even get me started on the rest of his family. At their best they are dysfunctional.

6- Celia has never been so far away from home or away from home for so long. She's 4. She's a mommy's girl. It's Christmas. She'll be in a strange house with strange people.

You get the point.

7,8,9....100...500...yeah I could go on, and on.

I didn't sleep much last night.

I'm stewing over this.

Her father is master manipulator.

Liar King at his best.

So I start checking out his story by doing a little internet sleuthing. Seems there are plenty of flights out of Arkansas-middle-of-nowhere on the 26th. In fact she could be back in Salt Lake by noon.

It also seems that travel on the 27th is more expensive, contrary to his tales. Also, his dad booked the flights with Celia coming home the 27th before Celia's dad even talked to me.

Strange? Coincidence?

Again, I could go on. Not one bit of his story is true. The whole thing is a big fat fabrication, just to hog Celia for the entire Christmas break.

Yeah, I'm a bit upset.

Gross understatement.

Here I am being really very cool about things. Trying to anyway. I still don't trust the man with my daughter. Another story for another day.

Besides it being Christmas, I want my girl home for at least some of the celebrations. We do Christmas in a big way in my family. Also, my grandfather's health is lousy. If he makes it until next Christmas it will be a huge miracle. My grandmother's Alzheimer's is rendering her completely incapacitated at an alarming rate. Next Christmas, my grandma won't be at all coherent. Celia is very close to them. For the past two years she's seen them almost every day. This is the last Christmas we'll have with them. It's a big deal. I can't think about not having her here to share that.

So, I'm pouting.

I've put my foot down and I'm insisting my daughter is home no later than the 26th. I fully expect the lawyers to be involved soon.

Bring it on.

I'm not obligated to let her go at all. We can stick to the custody agreement.

Fine with me. I'll get her half way through Christmas day.

So much for being nice.

Could That Man Be Anymore Frustrating??

Per our stupid court order, Celia's dad has standard visitation. It's the every other weekend, Wednesday night thing. Plus he can pick her up from daycare if I'm working. I don't love it by any means. But, I have to follow it. Court order. I'll be held in contempt...blah, blah, blah.

So, I've played nice. I won't fight with her father and I haven't made a big deal of the visitation arrangements. Funny thing though. For all his fuss about picking her up everyday from daycare, he has yet to do it. I haven't done anything to stop him. He just simply hasn't made the time.

Tuesday evening I sent him a text wondering what time and when he would be picking up Celia for his Wednesday visit. I wanted to let daycare know and make sure Celia had the things she needed for the evening. About ten texts later her father had yet to commit to a plan. He'll "let me know" and "his plans are changing". Ok? Playing it cool I told him I would pick her up from daycare and have her ready at our house for whenever he decides to come get her. He agrees and I don't think anything else of it.

Wednesday morning I get an agitated call at work from Celia's daycare director, Lisa. She's upset because Celia's dad has left her a voicemail (again!) saying I am denying him access to Celia and that he has court papers proving he can come get her at any time. Huh? So not what happened! But, the director is upset with me for using her to deny visitation. I did my best to explain the situation and that I haven't once denied him visitation and that he hasn't wanted to pick her up. The damage was done though. Seriously, what a creep he is! I smoothed things over as best I could and then sent a text to her dad.

About a thousand texts later, and more insults and attempts to pick fights, he finally confirms he will be picking up Celia and gives me a time. That's all I had wanted to begin with. Just a "yes I'm picking her up" and a time. Sheesh! Was that asking too much?? Instead, he'd rather insult me, fight about our failed marriage and hash out the whole court battle with Celia. I won't play the insult game, fight, or discuss the court stuff. I see no need. That just sets him off more.

After a pretty nice reprieve from the texting onslaught, he sent me another text demanding a meeting with me to discuss Celia's 'best interests' and how he can 'understand her better'. I agreed. He said "anytime, anywhere". I named a decent time and a neutral place and he tries to start another fight. Again he texts me over and over. Again he insults me over and over. You'd think he'd get sick of it. I just stop responding. Eventually he will stop. That or his phone battery will run out.

The late afternoon passes and I actually enjoyed a quite evening alone. After all that crap that's happened through the day I think he's going to be a complete jerk when he drops Celia off. I will never stop being surprised by that man! He sent me a text and hour and a half before he's to drop Celia off wanting to drop her off early. Ok! So he does, and I think he'd going to want to have our big meeting. He never once mentioned it! Just handed me her stuff and that was that. Huh?! See why I think he's bipolar?!

Drama, drama, drama, cont.

Quick update- The meeting with Cassandra went well. She was great! Celia didn't really want to talk and she didn't pressure her. She explained that even if new abuse didn't happen, something has upset Celia and their dreams and memories at this age are just as vivid as if the even had actually happened. She's going to keep tabs on Celia and wants me to keep her informed of anything that concerns me in the next few weeks. When I told her about the break neck speed this whole reuniting process has taken, she was absolutely appalled. It doesn't change the situation, but having someone in authority that actually cares about Celia's feelings and well being is so very, very appreciated! Cassandra will be contacting Celia's dad in the next few days to discuss the situation. She wants him to understand that even if he's not ever willing to admit guilt, Celia is still anxious and there are things he can do to help her. Things like allowing her to call home. Amen!

The First Overnight

The dreaded first overnight with Celia and her father is over! Thank goodness!! Many thanks to my Daniel for keeping me occupied while Celia was away! And more thanks to my Heavenly Father for giving me strength! It wasn't easy. Celia's father feels the need to bombard me with nasty texts the entire time he has her. He just loves to fight. And since I won't fight, it just makes him madder. So sadly, he punishes Celia. She wasn't allowed to call me or answer my calls. He insists she didn't want to. I find that hard to believe since she loves to talk to me on the phone.
Also, he's continuing in his habit of not returning her things. That's bothers me on two levels. First, at 4, Celia is overly attached to her things. They're comfort to her. Especially in this kind of a situation.
Second, I can't keep replacing the things he keeps. Child support is hardly sufficient to provide for just her basic needs. It doesn't cover replacing all the things he keeps just to make me nuts.
Of more concern than the texts and material things, Celia reported some alarming things to me last night before bed. I've stewed about them ever since. I know she's being honest. It just makes me sick to think he'd hurt her again. After much thought, I emailed what Celia had said to her guardian. She would like me to get Celia in to a child therapist as soon as I can and also wants to see her for herself. So we start this again. The whole she said, he said thing. I just want my Celia safe. Why can't her father just go crawl back into the hole he came from and leave us alone?

Persephone

I read a lot of Greek mythology in my younger days. The tale of Demeter and Persephone was always a favorite of mine. By chance I re-read the story recently. Given recent events, the tale has become particularly poignant. Like Persephone, my sweet daughter is being taken

from me and I am powerless to stop it.

I received the guardians recommendations (demands) for visitation between Celia and her father yesterday. Beginning this weekend her father will have visitation the majority of the weekends in July. Beginning July 31, he will have standard visitation which will allow him every other weekend and one day during the week. In addition, he will be entitled to pick up Celia at 1 every day since I am at work and Celia is in daycare. If you add the hours, he will now have Celia more waking hours than I will. I'm devastated. Actually devastated doesn't begin to explain my sorrow. I am angry at the legal system. I am sick of being lied to. I am terrified that he will hurt my daughter again. And I can't do anything about it.

It's clear from my conversations with the caseworker and guardian that my daughter is just another case they are anxious to get off their desks. She is not a child. She is a case.

Nothing more.

I want so badly to be home with my daughter. The fact that he will be able to pick her up everyday because I'm working makes me physically sick. I would rather have her in daycare. At least that way I know she's safe. I keep hearing over and over from the guardian that it's in Celia's best interest to have liberal time with her father. If her father were a healthy, decent man I would agree. He's not. He's disgusting and cruel and his life is permeated by filth and evil. He has pursued visitation not so that he can foster a loving relationship with his daughter, but to spite me. He wants to see her because the more time he gets the less time I have with her. And the appalling thing is that the legal system supports this!

The only variable is if I were to not work during the hours her father is off work. He claims he is off work every day at noon. The new agreement lets him pick her up at 1 and drop her back off to me no later than 5. However, when we have had similar arrangements in the past 5 becomes 5:30, which then turns into 6, and then pretty soon he keeps her the evening and I can't do anything about it. The legal system does nothing to follow up and ensure compliance with the orders. So, I won't be seeing my daughter much in the evenings. It's all I can do not to just quit my job right now. My only hope is that someday soon I will be able to stay at home and leave the workforce.

The Twilight Zone

Am I living in a world completely void of integrity and reason??
Tuesday, after a series of contradictory and confusing email exchanges between the guardian ad litem and the caseworker I was pretty sure the meeting I had requested was going to happen. That lasted a total of about a minute before Laina shot me another email that retracted everything she had just written. So I gave her a call.

What followed was the most humiliating and frustrating exchange I have ever had. She accused me of deliberately interfering with the court order and of not having my daughter's best interest at heart. She threatened to file a contempt order against me and insulted me in a very personal way. I expressed that I had not intentionally delayed scheduling visits. I explained that I had been assured of a meeting prior to arranging visits.

She refuted that immediately. I attempted to explain some of my concerns to her regarding the visits. She shot them down without even entertaining plausible solutions.

In fact, I could scarcely finish my sentence before she rudely cut me off. Notably, I asked that Celia's father have a bedroom and bed for her. Previously she had shared his bed. She assured me that that issue was addressed.

She then elaborated. Apparently Celia's father claims he has two rooms and has always had one set aside for her. Laina then explained that she had instructed Jason that Sinjin, Celia's brother, should not be allowed to share a room with her. I said I didn't have a problem with Sinjin sharing a room with her. I had a problem with Celia sharing a bed with her father! She snapped back that she was not comfortable with a 12 year old boy sharing a room with a 3 year old girl given the accusations. I didn't dare correct her that they are 10 and 4. She kept going saying that since allegations of pornography has been made that there was a chance Sinjin had seen the images and could potentially become a perpetrator! What?!?! He is the sweetest boy! I don't get how she would be worried about Sinjin when her father is the one who does view porn with his children present and that he was the one who hurt my daughter.

Does that make any sense at all??
She ordered me to bring Celia for her first visit with her father the following day at 11am. I was told I would be leaving her for two hours and that I would need to pick her up 1. I protested that I couldn't leave work at that time or for that duration. I requested to meet after I got of work or at least later in the afternoon. I attempted to gain her sympathy by explaining that I was a single working mom and that my job has already been more than lenient with me and my schedule but that I couldn't take further advantages of their allowances. That's when her claws really came out. She snapped back at me, "I am a single working mother too. I have two kids and unlike you I don't live at home and have the assistance you do." She then went on the explain how she had missed four hours of work that day because her daughter had injured herself and that I would just have to make sacrifices. I was so taken back I could scarcely respond. She has no idea the circumstances that have resulted in my living at home with my parents. If I felt she would have been at all sympathetic I would have tried to explain.

I thought better of it though and just kept my month shut.
The conversation just went further down hill from there. It alternated between her insulting me and threatening to file orders with the court. Mind you, I never once raised my voice. I was respectful the entire conversation even while she was insulting me.
I finally agreed to meet our caseworker with Celia at 4:30 the following day. Before I hung up with her I made sure I was clear on her intended progress for the visits. She told me to be prepared to schedule a two hour visit the following week and then a four hour visit after that. I agreed then hung up.
Wednesday. Celia's first visits with her father. I decided to not tell Celia in advance so that she wouldn't fret the entire day and have problems at daycare. When I picked her up I cheerfully explained that she got to go play with her dad for a few hours. She refused to go. She was obstinate and begged me to just turn around and go. She kept saying, "I don't want to play with Daddy. I want to go home. Mommy, let's go home. Right now." It broke my heart. It was all I could do to calm her fears and keep a brave facade for her. I knew that I since I was the only one hearing her, the caseworker

and guardian wouldn't beleive me.

When we got to the DCFS office she clung to me and wouldn't let go. I was surprised to be met by another caseworker. Apparently, Chris, was not available and was supposed to let me know.

Uh, huh. I did finally convince Celia to go play with the assurance that I would pick her up.
I arrived to pick Celia up a few minutes early, just in case. Since it was after hours, the building was locked. Chris, the caseworker surprised me a few minutes later be coming out to speak to me. He wanted to know if I had any concerns. Of course I did. I had seen the car seat Celia's dad's car and it was not appropriate for her size. It was a school age booster seat. Since she is small she is still supposed to ride in a convertible toddler seat with 5 point harness. Chris assured me that he would bring that concern up. He requested that he be allowed to speak with Celia for a few minutes alone when they arrived. I agreed.

Like I actually had a choice.

A few minutes later they pulled up and Celia, her father and brother went into the building. They kept me waiting for over twenty minutes. The front of the building is glass. I couldn't see her father or caseworker. I could only see Celia running a muck with a soft drink in her hands.

I was livid! And I couldn't do a thing about it. Chris finally came out to tell me that her father had assured him the car seat was appropriate. I wanted to know how that was justified. Chris explained that there was a sticker on the seat that said 30 pounds and above. However, he hadn't seen it, wouldn't go check it or let me check it. I assured him that Celia's doctor had told me to keep her in the type of seat I had. He insisted on verifying it with the doctor.

Ok? So don't go check the car seat 10 feet away, but make a call to the doctor to verify what should have been common sense! I asked why this was such a problem and he said "Well, Jason doesn't want to have to buy a car seat." Huh?? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it illegal to transport a child without one? And unsafe!
Chris then pressed me to schedule Celia's Friday appointment for this week. I told him that Laina had told me to prepare to schedule a 2 hour visit for the following week and that I would be available next Wednesday at the same time. He insisted that that isn't what Celia's father had told him. Well of course not!! Who's in charge here??

That's when I about lost it. I asked if I could take my daughter home. Chris said his usual, "Well ok. We'll talk tomorrow then." Um. I'm not changing my mind. I know what I was told. Not that it means anything. Everything I've been told had been a lie.

But, I've got to stand my ground somehow.
Celia of course was wired the whole way home. Apparently her father had fed her nothing but Sprite and she was not only on a sugar high but extremely hungry. But, I wasn't allowed to discuss nutrition with him or her eating habits. Laina didn't think that was important enough.

So, I'm living in the Twilight Zone. This is a world where Jason somehow is the authority and those who have been appointed guardians of my daughter are so void of humanity that they allow this monster to retain his visitation. This is a world where a hard working, loving mother is accused of manipulating the system and trumping up charges to spite her ex husband. This is a world that refuses to protect children. Well, I refuse to accept that! I may not have power to change the situation. But, you can be sure I will sure try! I'm penning letters to the Troy Rawlings, Davis County Attorney General as well as Mark Shurtluff, Utah State Attorney General. I might even write a letter to the editor. My letters may do no good and may be directed to the wrong people. But, maybe just maybe someone will read it and be inspired to make a difference where they stand. Justice for abused children is my own personal crusade. I'll find a way to make a difference. For Celia and for all the only children who are just a file on a desk in this messed up, perverted system.

Choose Your Battles

Where to start to explain this mess?

As I wrote previously, I've been informed that Celia's father (aka glorified sperm donor) has finished his portion of the court ordered therapy. Celia's guardian ad litem and caseworker are now pressing me with increasing intensity to allow visits. In was my understanding that the clinical visits would transition into supervised visitation.

Not so.

Because I've insisted, they are humoring me with two supervised visits. Then they'll move into two, two hours visits a week that will build to an overnight in a matter of a few short weeks.

It makes me sick.

This is so far from what I was promised that

it's left my head spinning.
I've expressed my concerns over and over and over to both the guardian and caseworker. I've repeatedly emailed them both a list of concerns that I feel need to be addressed. They include such basics as her father purchasing a safe car seat. His is a hand me down infant seat. Celia is four. She never has fit in it and he's been too cheap in the past to purchase a new one.

Another of my concerns is that she have a bedroom at his home. In the past she has shared his bed as he never made accommodations in his spare bedroom for her.

Can we say inappropriate???

Also on my list is putting in place a pick up and drop off plan. He is an extremely hostile individual and has no qualms about heated confrontations and even violence in front of my daughter when he is displeased with the logistical arrangements.
Last week Celia's caseworker visited our home. During his very brief visits we discussed some of my concerns and my reluctance to schedule a visits until they have been addressed. He suggested either he or the guardian mediate a meeting with myself and Jason to discuss my concerns. He suggested that we discuss parenting and safety issues and that the guardian may implement some of them into her final order if they work and are in Celia best interest.

I completely approve of that idea!

However, three days later he has recanted his suggestion. Along with the guardian they are insisting I schedule visitation immediately and that my concerns may be addressed later. Later?? Like when? Ever?
I don't feel like my concerns are outlandish or demanding. I want my daughter safe plain and simple. Here is an excerpt from the email I received this morning from Celia's guardian...
"Amanda it appears you are seeking to change the court's orders. If that is your goal you will need to request those changes with the court. Until that time we need

to have consistent visits."
I'm requesting simple things like a car seat and safe play area in her father's home. I'm requesting my daughter not be exposed to pornographic material and that she be allowed to call home as necessary when she's away with her father.

I would also like to discuss with him her hygiene needs as well as her current temperament. He's been completely out of her life for a year and a half. She has matured immensely in that time. Her needs are drastically different than when she was two. I would discuss these needs with anyone I left her with. You'd think as a decent parent he would want that information.

Oh wait. Never mind. I give him way too much credit in that statement.
How all that violates the court order I'm not so sure. So, I'm choosing my battles. I am powerless to stop these visits from taking place. But, I will insist on this meeting.

I would be a poor excuse for a mother to not seek to have my voice heard. I was warned before I began this struggle that the authorities do not have the child's best interests at heart. I was told that we would be just another case on someone's desk. I was warned and told. I naively hoped that it wouldn't be true.

Silly me.

Lies, Lies, Lies

I'm just way too trusting. I believe people. I naturally assume people are honest and in Cecelia's case that they have her true best interest at heart. You'd think after the hell I've been through the last 2 1/2 years I would have become a little more jaded. I guess I should have!
Here's that latest. Celia's dad has completed his portion of the Parent Child Interaction Therapy that was court ordered. I was told that we would then move in to a supervised visitation arrangement. I even met with Celia's DCFS caseworker last week to discuss possible people I would be comfortable supervising the visits. He assured me that this was the course he was recommending to Celia's Guardian Ad Litem (Celia's court appointed lawyer) and that she was on board with the idea. I also remembered that during the hearing to make these arrangements I was told that the progression would be therapeutic visitation, supervised visitation and then gradually working toward standard visitation. I was also told that the progression would be based on Celia's comfort level and her progression. I was reassured that my input would be valued and taken into consideration. HA! Of course the complete opposite is happening. Not only are my concerns completely invalidated, the therapy has taken place at breakneck speed. No consideration has been made that this in a hard transition for Celia and that she has quite a bit on anxiety. Just yesterday I was informed by the Guardian that we won't be doing supervised visitation and that she wants to move straight into unsupervised visitation. I'm physically sick over that thought. Nothing I said would sway her decision. And ultimately it's her decision that will determine my daughter's fate. I'm supposed to make arrangements between Celia's dad and the caseworker to facilitate these visits. They will start as a couple hours several times a week, then build to 8 hours, then an overnight. The fact that I'm a working mom and that my time with my daughter is precious is not taken into consideration. I have to give up my already small amount of time with her to allow her #%^&%(*(*%&*(#*&$#)(*&&*#$(*&#$(&*(%& father to visit her! Apparently that's what's in my daughter's best interest. I can't think of anything more detrimental to my daughter!
The way the Guardian explains it, Celia has now been given the skills to report any further abuse and that gives her the power to make the abuse not happen. Anyone else see the flawed logic here?? First, Celia did report the abuse. Clearly and in great detail. Detail too complex for a two year old to have made up. It was thrown out because she was 'too young' to be a credible witness. Second, like a child could possibly stop abuse from happening. Abusers are powerfully controlling and manipulative. He will hurt her again. I have no doubts about that. And I'm supposed to allow these visits with confidence that Celia now has such valuable skills that will keep her safe. Really?!? He is a monster. He has not a shred on conscious left in his body. He is a sexual addict and bonafide child predator.
I am not confident in her father's rehabilitation. So he completed a parenting course? He was not made to complete any sort of sex abuse treatment or counseling for his sexual and pornography addictions. Nothing. As the Guardian so kindly explained to me, there wasn't forensic evidence to support the claims and so they aren't willing to order that kind of treatment. Apparently, a two year old with a completely unchanging story of detailed abuse by her father isn't nearly enough 'evidence'?! This whole process is baffling to me. Who are they protecting? Not one promise made to me in the past 2 1/2 years has been kept. I have been deliberately lied to by so many people that I trusted to protect my daughter! And the worst part? I can do absolutely nothing about it! Nothing. I don't comply with 'the order' and I'm held in contempt. As much as I love living in Utah, I am so tempted to move out of state. Let that nasty, pathetic excuse for a man try to fight me for custody then. There has to be somewhere where children are safe. It's most assuredly not here.

A small bright spot

I've been super frustrated over the last month or so. Celia's therapist hasn't listened to my concerns about her and the therapy has continued despite my misgivings. The other day, Celia's DCFS caseworker came over and Celia hide behind me and refused to talk to him. That is so unlike her and fortunately he recognized that. So, he emailed Dr Gully and Celia's guardian ad litem. The response back wasn't super great, so I placed yet another call to Dr Gully. This time I felt like he actually listened to me. He's scheduled a time next week for me to begin the first part of the therapy course and to discuss my concerns. Finally!! Then yesterday when Celia and I were at her appointment, Celia had a huge meltdown. She refused to go to Dr Gully's office and got extremely upset. She was so upset that it took nearly a half hour for her to consent to the visit. As much as it broke my heart to see her so upset, I was glad in a way that Dr Gully got to witness firsthand what my family and I have been experiencing for weeks. Celia is just not Celia right now. She's reverting to a lot of the behaviors we worked so hard to help her get out of. I know Celia feels a lot of apprehension over seeing her dad. Her little mind must be so confused. She knows in her heart that he hurt her and that he's made her scared. And then here he is a year later playing nice and sweet for the authorities. Celia is a smart little girl. I'm sure she sees through his play nice act to the real man underneath. I just hurt for her. I pray daily for her safety. I wish I could make it so that she never sees that evil man again. I can't though. As a mom I feel helpless. I will continue to nurture her and love her the best I can. At least she will always have a safe and happy home to come home to. Her father may not be able to provide that. But, I can and I always will. Sacrificing the things I do for her hardly seems like a sacrifice. I guess that's what being a parent is. Unconditional love. It's just too bad her dad will never know that.

Falling Apart

Rough day yesterday. Celia had another therapy visit with her dad. I'm really starting to dread these appointments. A lot of Celia's bad behaviors are starting to come back. These are behaviors my family and I struggled to help her with last year. She had a wonderful therapist then and I was able to remove her dad completely from her life. More than anything, I think not having to see her dad was the key to helping her get well again. Now that he's back in her life, the behaviors are back. She's started to have her really bad nightmares. Randee's even noticed that she's had them during naptime. Celia's started to do her destructive sneaking thing again, and every evening after her appointments she is just a little pill. She's sassy, angry and obviously troubled. I have done my best to lovingly cope with these problems. I've even addressed them with Celia's new therapist Dr Gully. However, he just doesn't listen. My concerns are met with psycho babble and he always turns the tables on me. Like it's my fault Celia's acting like this. He suggests that I implement a structured schedule to Celia's life and that will help to ease her anxiety. What?! As if our lives aren't structured already? We have the same routine every day. Meal, preschool, nap, shower, story time, bedtime. Same thing every day. When I explain that to Dr Gully, he just talks over me. He says Celia's nightmares are a result of my anxiety. If that's the case then why is she having them when I'm not around? He even went so far yesterday to tell me not to encourage Celia to talk about her good dreams for fear that will encourage her bad dreams. Again, what?! She loves to tell me the silly things that she dreams about. And we love to laugh about them together. At night she asks me to 'put good dreams in her head'. That's where I gently rub her forehead and tell her good things to think about while she relaxes. It may sound silly. But, it's one of the things that helped get rid of the nightmares before. But, I'm not supposed to do that now. I'm also supposed to ask her permission every time I touch her. Hugs, kisses, snuggles. Everything. And I'm supposed to have her ask other people's permission before she touches them. So she's not supposed to just run up and hug you anymore. She supposed to stand there, ask permission, then hug you. It's supposed to teach her boundaries. As if SHE were the one with boundary problems?! I mean I understand that encouraging her dad to do that has it's benefits. He was the one who hurt her and betrayed her trust. But, to go so far to make her implement that with everyone? That's too much. It's going to make her paranoid to ever touch anyone. And she's three and such a naturally affectionate kid. And to top it all off. I have to take off from work. I have to cart Celia to Salt Lake sometimes twice a week. And I have to pay for it! And I'm not even allowed in the sessions or am I told much of what happens in them. I'm left with an emotionally confused little girl. No help from her Dr, no way to choose another Dr, stop the appointments or impact them in any way what so ever. So, I'm falling apart. I just pray that Heavenly Father has us in his hands. I pray for the strength to get through this. I pray more than anything, for my Celia. I just want to protect her and I can't. I have to have faith that my Heavenly Father will.

A little about Cecelia...

Last night Celia found a pirate patch just lying on her floor. Which to a little girl like mine, that's just about the coolest thing that happened to her all day. She wore that silly thing for over a hour and talked all piratey too! When it came time to climb into bed, she just begged to sleep with it on. I told her no, but that she could wear it for prayer, story and scripture time. She was thrilled! And to tell the truth, the little patch actually helped her to stay so settled and still.

Celia started her supervised visits with her dad a few weeks ago. I've had so many mixed feelings about the whole thing. At this point I'm not allowed in the room as they meet. Her doctor picks her up from me in the waiting area and takes her to his office alone. As a mother, that's so hard to be positive for her and allow her to go without my protection. The doctor does supervise the 45 min sessions through a two way mirror. It's all very clinical and I don't think Celia is enjoying it much. She hardly talks about the visits. When I ask her about them, she talks about the things they played, and not about her dad. The only thing she has said about him is that he looks really old and that his hair has all fallen out! She's asked me several times why and I just don't seem to be able to give her the right answer. She's decided it's because her dad is 'really, really old and that he's going to die really soon'. (If only!) I've done my best to correct her, but for anyone that knows Celia, you can't change her mind once it's made up!
A few sessions ago, her dad gave her a framed picture of the two of them and some stickers to decorate the frame with. In the car ride home, Celia took the stickers and completely covered up the picture! Her doctor had mentioned that her dad wanted to have her put the picture in her room. But, Celia won't. It's now 'hiding' on my dresser because she doesn't want it in her room. I think that's really telling. I've explained this to her doctor, as well as all the other concerns I have. He doesn't seem to give me any credibility. Like, when I explained that Celia's nightmares have come back. These are the nightmares that occurred always after her dad had visitation in the past. Now, she's having them again. The doctor says that she's picking up on my anxiety. That may be. But, I find the coincidence a little unnerving! But, I'm just the mom. Which in this setting means absolutely nothing.
My complaints with this whole process go on and on. I hardly think this is what's in 'Celia's best interest'. And through this whole two year mess with Celia, my faith in the legal system has been extinguished. It seems more like they protect the perpetrators and less like they protect the children. One more thing. Celia's doctor has shared with me that her therapy is working on making her more assertive and verbal. Ha!! As if my sweet Celia struggles in those areas?? But, I'm just the mom. I don't have the fancy degrees and credentials. What do I know?

A little more drama...

Yesterday afternoon I had to trek all the way to Salt Lake in the middle of a blizzard to meet with Celia's new therapist. A little over a month ago, it was decided in court that she would start to see Dr Gully, who is the premier child abuse expert in the state. He would supervise the reunification process with her father. I've had my miss givings about the whole process. Namely that I would be making weekly trips to Salt Lake and being responsible for over $3000 in costs! Ugh. And also, it's just indescribable to not have choices when it comes to your own child.
So, I prayed a ton. And felt a lot of comfort in this decision. I felt that Celia was going to be in good hands. With that assurance, I met with Dr Gully and was very impressed. We reviewed his plans for Celia's therapy and my participation. He also let me voice my concerns with her father's involvement in the process. I agreed to participate and scheduled the first of what looked to be about 50 sessions. When I left, I felt reassured and encouraged although still a little unsure of how everything was going to work out. I'm worried about the logistics and affording the care. But, I just had to let it go and remember that Celia is in greater hands than mine.
Latter that night I got a call from Dr Gully. He informed me that he would need to cancel Celia's appointment for next week. Apparently he met with Celia's dad and he was extremely hostile and unwilling to participate in the process. Wow. You know, I shouldn't be surprised after all the other crap he's pulled. I at least expected him to go through a few appointments before he bailed. I have yet to talk to the Guardian, but it sounds like she will be taking legal action against Celia's dad. I couldn't be more relieved and grateful! I know that's selfish of me. But, we are both court ordered to participate in this therapy. To refuse to participate risks being held in contempt and prosecuted. It's my hope that the court will see that Jason is an unfit father. After all, he's not rotting in jail where he deserves to be! He's been given more leniency then I think he deserves anyway.
So, for now Celia's father still doesn't have visitation. I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven who has heard my pleadings! My daughter is safe. She is surrounded by love and has made so much progress this past year. Despite what's happened to her, she is a very healthy and happy little three year old. We a truly blessed!

Rough Times

Ugh. That's my sentiment for right now. Just when I think things are starting to go well, crap happens. I am court ordered to take Celia to a new therapist, Dr Gully. He will supervise Celia's reunification process with her father. When I agreed to the court order I was told that at most my cost would be a few hundred dollars. Wrong. As it turns out, I'm going to be responsible for over $3000! I've pleaded with Celia's guardian ad litem to consider a more affordable option. She won't budge and refuses to admit she quoted me a smaller price. So I'm stuck. If I don't participate, I'm held in contempt.
More than the cost problem, I'm upset because I feel like I was misled. I feel like I had no choice but to agree to this court order. And even more upsetting, I don't think Celia should ever have to see her father again. So he donated sperm. Big deal. That hardly qualifies him to receive even a small portion of Celia's precious time. He is an evil man. He has never been a positive part of her life. And I have no faith that he ever will be. The only reason he wants visitation with Celia is to anger and hurt me. I wish with every part of my being that he would just disappear. I know that's a selfish wish. But, I want my daughter safe. It's apparent to me that our legal system does little to protect children. All the guardian ad litem kept saying to me was, "I just need to do what's in Cecelia's best interest." I'm Celia's mother. I know her better than any other person possibly could. Who better than I to determine what Celia's best interest is? But yet, was I asked? Nope. I was forced to agree to an order that doesn't protect my daughter and that I can't possible afford. I just pray. For guidance, for patience, for understanding, for protection. That's all I can do.
And to make matter worse, I've had a horrible migraine for over a week. My neck is stiff and sore, and I just plain don't feel good. And I've managed to tick off my mom and sisters by mentioning that all Dan and I really want to do is elope. I could really just use some unconditional support right now. I wish they could understand the mountain of issues I am dealing with right now. Least of which is planning a wedding that pleases everyone.

An end in sight!

Finally, a productive day in court! My mom writes things so much better than I do. So here's her email. Many, many thanks to all of my amazing friends and family who have supported me and strenghtened me through this horrible time! I am so blessed!

Hi to everyone, We are already home. Cecelia's guardian from the court had a document already prepared. We agreed with most of it, some got amended. It went right before the judge and he signed everything. Basically what has happened is this:There were 3 full court days assigned this month to address visitation for Cecelia. Best case scenario is that after all of that, Jason would still get supervised visits. There was a good chance that it could have been thrown out of court since a two year olds word against an adult just wouldn't stand up. So the guardian decided to try and just by pass all of the court stuff and just have everyone agree on some visitation. Amanda still has full guardianship of Cecelia. Jason will start having some limited visitation with Celia and Doctor Gully who is reported to be the very best therapist in the state. The visits will be to train Jason to be able to become a better parent and teach him some very strict guidelines if he is ever to have some unsupervised visits. If at any time Cecelia is not responding well, they will back off and just take it at her speed. The visits will be quite time extensive for Amanda and Jason since they will probably be held weekly in Salt Lake. However, we wonder if Jason will put that kind of dedication in to this. If so, then that is probably good news in the long run. Thanks everyone for your continued prayers and concern in all of this. At this time we will not be in court again for another 6 months when they have a follow-up scheduled. More good news! Amanda just found out that her mortgage is in the process of getting signed off. She will finally be free of her home which has really strapped her financially the last couple of years. Lots of thanks, hugs and smiles to all of you, Sandy

Court update

What a day! How can I explain the relief I feel? I'm still processing all the emotions. But, I woke up this morning feeling happy and so relieved. I have a future. A happy future. I guess I had to literally go through hell and back to truly appreciate what I do have...
I've tried to write about what all happened yesterday. It just keep getting garbled since the emotions are so fresh. My mom wrote the following in an email update to some dearly loved friends and family. I'll share it here, since it's better than I can write.

Hi everyone,

I just thought that I would give you all an update on Amanda's divorce:

We spent the entire day today in mediation, and then court, and then a little more mediation and another court hearing. Everything in the divorce has been decided, Amanda's lawyer will draw up the paper work, submit it to Jason's lawyer (he committed under oath today that he agreed with everything) send it back to the court for the judge to sign, and then have it registered. In a perfect world, it could take under two weeks! That would be a huge blessing, but even if it takes a lot longer relief is on the way for Amanda. We were sooooo relieved by the end of the day!

The court has scheduled 3 days in January to decide all of Cecelia's stuff. We were advised today by a couple of different people that even if Jason is convicted, the chance of him being able to start seeing her again was very probable. The Division of Child and Family Services advised us that with a therapists approval, the visits could possibly start before the hearings start. We hope that the timing of everything will prevent that from happening, but they just wanted us to know that it could be a possibility. They said that it is better that way since if the court awards in Jason's favor, then he could possibly see Cecelia right away. We pray that this does not happen, but I think they just wanted to prepare us for anything that could happen.

Jason didn't look very good today. We all though that he looked as if he had aged a lot. Maybe the consequences of his actions have caught up with him??? I don't know. He kept saying that he just didn't have any money and that he was going to be filing bankruptcy. He has two very wealthy parents that have bailed him out a lot. Amanda didn't get awarded any where near the amount that would have helped pay the debts that Jason left her with, but I think that she is just feeling grateful that one part of this nightmare will be over. We keep reminding her that she has everything that is important, Cecelia, and that the rest just doesn't matter.

It has been a really rough week for Cecelia. I think she must just sense when something is about to happen. As much as we have tried to act normal, I know that she has felt the tension and anxiety this week. Thanks to those who have loved her through her hard week, Aunt Janae and Aunt Randee. We hope that things will return to a little more normalcy around here.

Well, that was a lot for you to read. I guess that maybe I just needed to journal a bit. Amanda and I had a good cry after court today and we will think about January in January. For now, she (and all of us) have something to look forward to! Please keep remembering them in your prayers!

lots of love to you all,

Sandy

Court update

The one thing I've learned... this court stuff takes forever! We had another court date last Thursday. And we've made a teeny, tiny step forward. We've got a pre-trial hearing scheduled for December, and two trial dates set for January. A two day trail! Sometimes this whole thing is so surreal. Jason's 'expert' will testify one day and the state will hire another expert to testify another day. Since I'm 'just' the mom, I'm kept pretty out of the loop on all the real details. I think that's the most frustrating thing. I just have to keep praying that Celia's best interest is being considered and that she'll be protected. I really just wish Jason would disappear. He wouldn't be missed. But, that's not in his nature. He's going to fight this thing to the end.

Big day!

Yesterday was a big day... we had a domestic conference where the Guardian ad Litem made her recommendation for custody/visitation of Cecelia. Given the battles that have take place these past few months, I was very hesitant for her decision. My worst fear was that she would allow Jason visitation, and soon. Since the state hasn't ordered him to complete any therapy or treatment programs, that thought terrifies me. But, it turns out, I had nothing to fear. The Guardian as Litem truly has researched our case and seen the truth. She's filing a petition with the state on Monday. This will mandate Jason undergo psycho-sexual evaluation. If he passes, the state will begin their reunification process. He will be closely monitored and required to complete therapy. And that could take a very long time. If he fails, they will move to terminate his parental rights. Either way, I'm so grateful! Celia will be safe!
These past few months have been such a lesson in faith! I had in my mind the path I really wanted Heavenly Father to allow me to take. I thought I had the best things all planned out. When those things started to fail, I couldn't understand why. So, I kept praying. Only this time, I prayed for faith and to know His way for me. I can't even express how much better this path is! Celia and I have been blessed in ways I am still trying to understand. It's amazing!